


Egg Hunt

by TheBrilliantDarkness



Category: Dark Avengers (Comic), Marvel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2018-02-03 21:26:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1757451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBrilliantDarkness/pseuds/TheBrilliantDarkness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Easter in Avengers Tower and someone's stealing all the chocolate eggs. Lester, Mac, Karla and Noh-Varr band together to investigate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Egg Hunt

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this on tumblr on Easter (when it, y'know, made sense to post it) - only now realised it wasn't on here, so thought I'd upload it for posterity. Or something.

“Did you fuckin’ steal my Easter eggs?”

Mac whipped around on the sofa to see Bullseye storming towards him.

“Why would I steal your eggs? I’ve got my own.”

“Well, Mac,” Lester spat, coming around the sofa to loom over his teammate. “Whenever shit goes missin’ around here, it’s normally down to you and the symbiote fuckin’ scoffin’ it.”

Mac held his hands up. “I haven’t done nothin’ this time, I swear!”

“Mac,” another voice called from the corridor. Both Mac and Lester glanced towards the door and found Karla standing there, hands on hips.

“What now?” Mac asked, voice tuning up into a distressed whine.

“I just came back in to find all my Easter eggs missing,” she narrowed her eyes. “Anything to do with you?”

“Why am I the main suspect here?”

“Because you eat everything!”

Mac looked from Bullseye, to Karla, back to Bullseye again. He gulped.

“C’mon, Mac,” Lester grinned, seizing the back of his neck and hauling him off the sofa. “Let’s go pay your room a visit, eh? See if we can’t find what’s missing?”

*

Lester steered Mac towards his room with Karla at his side.

“How many eggs did you get then?” Lester asked her.

“Oh, not many,” Karla replied, checking her nails disinterestedly. “Fifteen, I think?”

“ _What?_ ” Lester tightened his hand around the back of Mac’s neck, eliciting a squeak from the other man. “I only got twelve.”

“Hawkeye’s obviously not as popular as Ms. Marvel.”

“’s ‘cause I have to wear a fuckin’ loincloth and you’ve got tits.”

That earned him a smack round the back of the head.

“I think we’re being undercut, to be honest,” she went on. “Avengers fans are  _insane_. They must’ve sent in more eggs that we’re getting.”

“You got a point, there,” Lester said. “Be just like Osborn to skimp on this shit.”

They reached Mac’s door.

“Alright, Mac,” Lester said, voice unsettling in its uncharacteristic softness. “Show us where you’ve hid our shit and you don’t get hurt.”

“I’ve already told you,” Mac whimpered, opening his door. “I don’t have them!”

“Well,” Lester shoved Mac into his room and went for the pocket of his hoody. “If you don’t have them now, that means you’ve already eaten them.”

“Hold up,” Karla said. Lester paused, and Mac glanced over to her. “Mac, where are your eggs? I mean, you haven’t seriously eaten them all already? You got even more than me.”

“I piled ‘em all inside my wardrobe for later,” he shrugged. “Couldn’t leave ‘em out in the open. Someone mighta made off with ‘em.”

“Aha!” Lester seized the front of Mac’s shirt and brandished a well-polished throwing knife from his pocket. Mac yelped. “Thinking like a thief! It was you, wasn’t it?!”

“No, no, I actually didn’t this time –“

“Uh, guys?” Karla called from the wardrobe.

“What, Karla?” Lester snapped.

“Hate to break it to you, Mac, but your wardrobe’s looking pretty empty.”

“What?!”

Karla moved away and motioned to the eggless wardrobe. Mac made an anguished sound.

“That don’t mean nothin’,” Lester snarled, keeping his hold on Mac’s shirt. “He probably just ate all of ‘em, that’s all. Wasn’t enough, was it, Mac? Ya just had to go steal from good, honest people like me and Karla?”

He pressed the knife to Mac’s ribs, and Karla was going to maybe suggest he was taking things a bit far over a bit of cheap chocolate (but no, she’d actually really wanted her eggs, so let Mac suffer), when Noh-Varr’s voice sounded out.

“Excuse me?”

“What?” Lester snapped.

“I am confused about your… ‘Easter’ customs,” the alien said, walking into the room as if one of his teammates wasn’t threatening another with a knife. “I’ve done some independent research and found that ‘egg hunts’ are common on Easter Sunday. I was not aware, however, that any such hunt was to take place here.”

“Egg hunt?” Karla raised an eyebrow. “Kids do egg hunts. Doubt Osborn or Hand would’ve thought to do one here.”

Noh-Varr tilted his head. “Strange. Then what is Daken doing?”

Lester narrowed his eyes. “Daken?”

“I’ve observed him moving around the tower carrying armfuls of the traditional chocolate eggs to his room. He appears to be engaged in an ‘egg hunt’. I was confused because I didn’t know if anyone else was taking part.”

Lester dropped Mac and shot out of the room. Karla and Mac followed, and, assuming this to be another strange human behaviour that he should take part in to better understand, Noh-Varr joined them.

*

“His door’s fuckin’ locked!” Lester growled, giving the door to Daken’s room an aggressive shove.

Karla rolled her eyes. “What do you expect from someone like Daken?”

Lester scoffed. “Doesn’t matter. I got just the thing for this.” He reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out a small device – one that Karla recognised as an explosive Osborn had given them for a mission a few days ago.

“Is it customary to appropriate the haul of a rival egg hunter?” Noh-Varr asked, watching as Lester affixed the tiny bomb to the lock on Daken’s door. The device started beeping in preparation for its explosion. Lester motioned for everyone to back off.

“Yeah, of course,” Karla shrugged. “Adds to the thrill of it all.”

“Why did you even have that bomb?” Mac turned to Lester, eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

“Was gonna blow you up if you Venom’d out on me,” Lester grinned.

“That’s harsh, man.”

Before Lester could reply, Daken’s door (and a good portion of the surrounding wall) blew apart as the bomb did its work.

“Right,” Lester clapped his hands together as they entered the room – the room that’d probably been beautifully neat and tidy before they’d covered it in several inches of dust and debris. “If I was an egg thief, where would I hide my ill-gotten gains?”

Mac went immediately to the wardrobe, only to find nought but expensive suits, an impressive collection of shoes, and…

“Hey, Lester, isn’t this your shirt?” He leant out of the wardrobe holding up one of Lester’s tatty old shirts with a target design on the front.

“What the fuck, I’ve been looking for that,” Lester joined Mac in the wardrobe. “Hey, what the hell? Loads of this shit’s mine!”

Karla rolled her eyes, then scanned the room herself for any trail Daken might’ve left behind. She was about to check the en suite – the door was slightly ajar, and it being an unconventional hiding place would appeal, she imagined, to Daken’s nature – when she noticed that one corner of the otherwise perfectly laid comforter was wrinkled.

“Karla?”

She glanced at Noh-Varr. The alien was on the floor, rifling through one of Daken’s drawers.

“Yes?”

“What use do humans have for leather contraptions such as these?” He emerged from the drawer holding up a complicated harness.

Karla grimaced. “Put that down, Noh-Varr, you don’t know where it’s been.”

“What’s it  _for_ , though?”

“Sex, honey.”

“I’m… still not sure I understand?”

“What the fuck are you two talking about over there?” Lester emerged from the wardrobe with an armful of his stolen shirts.

“Nevermind, Lester,” Karla said. “Look – I think I know where the eggs are.” She pointed at the bed.

Mac appeared, apparently done with his adventures in the wardrobe, dropped to his belly and slithered under the bed. He’d hardly disappeared before there was a woop of joy.

“Eggs are under here!” came his muffled voice. “… a lot of eggs. More chocolate eggs than I’ve ever seen in one place that wasn’t a supermarket!” Lester, Karla and Noh Varr joined Mac. His description was quite accurate.

“Guy’s a fuckin’ kleptomaniac,” Lester shook his head. “Why the fuck’s he stole all these? Why the fuck’s he been stealing my  _shirts_?”

“Chocolate is a well loved delicacy among your kind,” Noh-Varr said astutely. “I’m… not sure about the shirts.”

“It might be an animal thing,” Karla suggested. Lester and Mac looked at her incredulously. “What? His dad  _is_  Wolverine. It could be a sort of hoarding instinct coming through.”

“Whatever. Let’s get our eggs and go.”

The four had just finished gathering up their eggs (plus a few extra for their trouble) and were in the process of getting up to leave when Daken appeared in the door with an armful of newly stolen chocolate. A few moments passed in silence.

“Put the eggs down,” Daken spoke slowly and quietly. “And then get out of my room.”

“Get fucked,” said Lester, rolling his shoulders back. “And forget the eggs - why’ve you been stealing my shirts?”

Daken sighed and set his most recent haul aside. Mac and Karla exchanged nervous glances as the mutant popped his knuckles whilst Noh-Varr stood beside them, bemused.

The claws slid out of Daken’s hands. “Last chance,” he purred.

“Bring it,” challenged Lester.

*

The ensuing fight resulted in a few days hospitalisation for Lester (the others having escaped before Daken could turn his attention to them) and a disciplinary with Osborn for all the Avengers involved in Egg-gate. All things considered, they got off pretty light – no leaving the tower unattended for a week - with an exception for missions - and no contact with one another during leisure time.

Perhaps the greatest punishment was Osborn’s recalling all the Easter eggs and banning all involved from having theirs back.

Daken got his own back on the ones who spoilt his Great Egg Robbery, of course. Lester and Mac got  _very_  familiar with one another in the gym during their downtime, their fling having been induced by a certain mutant’s pheromone powers; a rumour spread around Avengers tower that Karla had herpes as well as several other venereal diseases – the specifics varied depending on who you talked to; Noh-Varr proved more difficult to punish. He’d found the entire thing quite thrilling, in the end. Not knowing enough about him to blackmail him, Daken figured he’d go for the old gay-panic inducer and hope for the best. What followed was a rather fun night with a very naïve, very enthusiastic alien plaything.

If nothing else, Noh-Varr came out of it well-versed in the purposes of leather harnesses in the sex lives of humans.


End file.
